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Shit the class thing is in an hour. Not enough time for us both to shower and get ready. Tub time then?”Tub time is what we called it as kids when we would bath together because our parents were too exhausted to give us individual baths.“Aren’t we a little old for tub time?”“Shut up and just put on your board shorts, then meet me in the shower. Bring your beer.”Something about her the way she was ordering me around I enjoyed in that moment. “Alright weirdo. We’re missing the rubber duckies though.”Lily disappeared into the bathroom with her bathing suit in hand, while I rummaged through my stuff to find my suit. I heard her turn the shower on and took that as my cue to enter.“Ah, what the fuck Jason!”Apparently I came in too soon and as a reward was treated with a gorgeous view. My sister was standing there in one of her bikinis but had not had a chance to get her top on yet. Her hair was tied up in a scraggly, red mass and obscured nothing of her upper body. Her breasts were so pale. I find myself screaming on the inside, unable to break free of my pain. I wear a mask of contentment that grows weaker; my smile however happy it may appear is a charade- a fake twitch of the muscles for my audience. I feel angry, I feel unworthy, I feel caged and I feel empty. These emotions make me want to break free — to leave this life in search of another for nothing I or anyone else does makes me feel truly happy and conflict free. To fill the gap I harbour in my soul seems pointless — neither family member nor any person on this earth can change the way I am. Death seems to be my only solution- my only escape and yet fate has not allowed me to leave this place and, I haven't the courage to do so myself. Invisibility would be a gift and yet the only thing I wish for lies within the bounds of impossibility.I want to disappear from the life I live and find another, I want to leave all those I know forever. I know myself better than any other and I know that I lack the capacity.
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